Cussin' on the Way to Church

Originally titled Mass Chaos.

For some reason, Sunday mornings are always difficult. Maybe it’s because by their very nature Sundays are supposed to be lazy and relaxing. It is our Day of Rest in our family (we don’t spend money on Sundays and try not to work).

So making sure 6 people are ready for church (clean, wearing underwear, teeth brushed, wearing “acceptable” clothing, hair brushed, diaper bag packed, activity bag packed) can be stressful. Especially when I have a husband who insists on making a big breakfast AFTER he’s slept in.

Let’s just say I am ashamed to admit I do my best cussing on the way to church.

So one Sunday in November we are all settled in our pew (like Pepe Le Pew!). It’s time for the children’s part where they congregate in front of the priest for a second while he talks to them and then they go downstairs for a kid version of Mass for about 20 minutes. I’m seeing Joel will have problems on this particular day because there’s a 6-year-old girl who is jumping up and down like a kangaroo and putting her hands all over Joel’s head and face. I whisper to Aron, “That girl is screwing around again. Who’s going downstairs to help supervise?” He said he would do it since the baby was about to fall asleep on me.

So the baby crashes and Michael and Callie promptly get into a LOUD fight. Callie almost wrote on his notebook, which I told her she could do. Michael YELLS her name. She YELLS back. They tussle a bit on the kneeler. By now the baby has woken up and is fussing. I’m turning red and trying to figure out how to get them the hell outta there.

What would you do?

Public spanking = not only a bad option if you want to keep your kids in your own home until they turn 18, but also ineffective.

Gritted teeth/Crazy Face = not working as well as hoped.

So I put Eva on my left hip and grabbed Callie somehow around her middle with my right Popeye arm and swiftly walked to the back of the church and out into the hallway. I put Callie down, looked through the glass of the door, caught Michael’s eye and gave him my very best, “Get your butt out here NOW, little man” glare.

For those of you who must simulate this move, my only advice is NEVER make eye contact with ANYONE while you are disciplining your child.

So I turn around and who is standing there? A chick Aron and his twin used to date. Thankfully she is super cool and very understanding about my situation. Anyone with highlights of about 10 different colors is okay in my book.

Man, the blog for the month of November sure has made my kids sound bad. They really are great most of the time. I tell these stories mostly to amuse. The more these things happen to me, the easier it is to look into the future and see myself laughing about each situation (well, most of them, anyway … the ones where I kept my cool and still managed to put the fear of God into the kids).

edited to add: Today at Mass we got many comments about how great our kids behaved, how wonderful they are. Just goes to show things aren't always as they seem. We SEEMED to be all with-it today, yet about 25% of the time I'm carrying a tantruming kid out of church.