How a New Mother’s Hygiene Suffers

Do you ever wonder why you go to the home of a stay-at-home mom at noon and find her unshowered, in sweatpants, sporting raccoon eyes (mascara under her eyes), mildly reeking of (pick one) baby poop, baby puke, baby pee, alcohol, Valium or cigarettes?

And you think, “Come ON, Lady! Get yourself together! You don’t have to be at work at 8 a.m. … why can’t you get up and get a flippin’ shower in? AND get your house clean and your kids clean and fed and educated by noon?”

My excuse is that I do attachment parenting and never know when I can get out of bed alone because YES I have made my kids dependent on me and my boob. And when I do get out of bed alone, I come straight to the computer to do some writing. I can clean while they’re awake and at my feet. The writing needs to be done ideally when they are unconscious.

Here’s my shower routine recently (it changes depending on whether I have a tiny baby around or more older kids):

I see a window of showering opportunity after lunchtime.

I start the shower. I make sure the boys are happy and playing (thank you, GOD, that I don’t have to worry about them leaving the house or burning it down while I’m showering). The boys are probably riding their bikes around on the main level since it’s 20 degrees outside.

I take the baby and Callie up to the bathroom to hang out with me since we all know a mom can’t take a shower alone. I throw some chocolate chips on the floor to occupy the baby.

I wash my hair. Michael comes in with the phone. Someone is ON the phone for me. I tell him I’m taking a shower and can I call the person back? I get about 5 more such visits from the boys, plus I have to peek out of the shower a few times to make sure Callie isn’t shaving the baby’s head.

I attempt to shave my legs, but only get so far as one shin before there’s crying outside. I get out, towel off, put on moisturizer and eye cream (I’m 37, ya know), some mascara, pit putty (deodorant). Throw my hair up in a clip, put on some clothes. Done.

The Domestic Goddess look will have to wait until the kids are out of the house. Again with the My Poor Husband comment.