I’m a Size One!!!!

I went to Target recently for bikinis for the girls and some maternity tops for me. I haven’t shopped for maternity crap since my first kid, thanks for many years of hand-me-downs.

And don’t even get me started on myself wearing a bikini. I haven’t worn one of those since I was 17, BUT now that my belly is SUPPOSED to be sticking out into the atmosphere I’m considering it. AND I’ll be 38 this summer, which is the age of I-don’t-give-a-crap, I do believe. If I could find a top to hold up my buubies (pronounced like they do in Jersey), I’d probably do it.

Ah, digression. My strong suit.

So I’m all white trash, trying on tops and shorts over and under my tank dress right in the middle of the store! Anyway, the point here is that in maternity tops I’m a size ONE! I think the last time I was a size one was when I was about 6 years old.

But then there’s the maternity SHORTS, which are all freaking low-rise crap these days. I want the ones that go up to my buubies, not the ones that show my pubic hair, thanks very much, designers. Liz Lange, my ass. What does she know?

Oh, but the maternity shorts are sized like 16W and 20W. Jeez. Is the W for wide? But I’m NOT wide. I’m big out the OTHER way, out front.

Anybody wanna start a maternity clothing company with me? AND, Kansas City friends, would anyone loan me some high-rise maternity shorts? Summer's a-comin' and I'm super cheap.