These People Love Me?

-- I told my pal Smoosh I got a card in the mail from a woman who was previously mean to me. Smoosh goes, “Is it a sympathy card? Like she sympathizes with your personality?”

-- In the car one day, Callie says something about “when Mommy gets bigger.” Aron says, “Let’s hope Mommy doesn’t get any bigger.”

-- I was telling my mom about how Aron doesn’t want me ripping wallpaper down all over the house until he can finish ONE room of painting. I get antsy and want to HELP. Aron doesn’t want the house looking all trashed out. Mom says something like, “Your house always looks crappy; completely torn down wallpaper won’t really matter.”

And then I kicked all their asses. In my mind.

Dell Rhymes With Hell

Okay, their computers are okay. But their printers SUCK dirty, nasty pondwater. Don’t buy a Dell printer. And if your computer comes with one, save yourself the trip to the loony bin and just give the “free” printer to your worst enemy.

Their customer service sucks, too. I can’t understand a word anyone is saying, and they send me in circles. We get magically “disconnected” a lot, so I have to call back and explain my problem again.

Does anyone else love Dell as much as I love Dell?

Once when I was on the phone with Dell, Michael asked me what I was doing. I told him I was on the phone with Dell. He says, “Dell rhymes with hell.” How right you are, little guy.

When the printer dies, I'm gonna take it out back, Office Space-style (if you haven't seen that movie, you have to ... but there are lots of cuss words). I'll beat it to death with a baseball bat with gangsta rap in the background.

Are You Kidding Me, Missouri?

Missouri has passed a law banning texting while driving. For those under 21.

HUH?

What kind of wussy law is THAT?

How about NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING … PERIOD … for ANYONE?

Because texting while driving is stoopid. Also, no applying makeup while driving. I’m not even a fan of talking on the cell phone while driving. AND the thing about those stoopid headsets for cell phones is that YOUR ATTENTION IS STILL DIVIDED BETWEEN THE DRIVING AND THE PHONE CALL.

But they have mandatory helmet laws in Missouri for motorcyclists. If you don’t want to wear your helmet and get smashed all over the road, that’s YOUR business. But if you cause a wreck between you and Preggie because you’re texting, and you aren’t ALREADY dead, I will kill you.

Obedience

In case you can’t read it, the sign says to STAY OFF THE ROCKS. I am indeed the perfect parent, teaching my kids total obedience to all rules.

Ha.

Boobs Everywhere

When did it become okay, even fashionable, to have your bra and thong showing?

I recently went to a wedding and noticed a woman’s back. Her gorgeous silvery-gray bra was hanging out the back. I could see like the whole thing. Then Aron tells me I should see her front. When I got a glimpse, my eyes popped. She was a tiny chick with like Double EEs and a good 50% of them were hanging out of the bra.

At the same wedding, there was another chick with a dress on that had her boobs 50% on display, as well. It doesn’t BOTHER me, but I just don’t get why women do that! Just wear a sign that says,

“I have low self-esteem and/or am stupid. Please stare at my boobs. I also want your dad and son and husband to stare at my boobs and think about me later because I am a sex object.”

If my bra is going to be blatantly on display, I just don’t wear the top. Maybe someday I’ll invest in a bra with clear straps, but until they make a nursing bra like that, I’m SOL. And don't even talk to me about strapless.

And I’m a FEMALE … what are MEN thinking when they see these boobies in their faces? I actually feel sorry for men … they can’t get a freaking break. They are told to not oogle women and to not catcall them and so on. Yet some of us women insist on putting our goodies on display for our fathers, uncles, sons, bosses, strangers, teachers, and so on to see and store in their mammaries. I mean memories.

Then again, I put my pregnant belly on display for the world to see …

* but don't even talk to me about how I've been nursing for 8 years straight ... my Nursy Bags are nicely covered at all times.

*edited to add: Thanks, Sean! I totally forgot about words on butts and chests. I am guilty of the chest thing b/c I have a shirt that Aron got me that's all sparkly and says "Save the Tatas" on it, but that's like Save the Whales, so it's totally politically correct and I don't wear it around a lot of people. However, little girls with words like PINK or PRINCESS on their asses really bugs me, especially at CHURCH! My butt words would say WIDE LOAD or EXIT ONLY or TAKEN.